compulsion. when stressed, bored, or otherwise consciously or subconsciously motivated, I eat. compulsively. the fattier, sweeter, less healthy it is, the better. A dear friend cleans. I am envious of her positive energy. Would that I had such constructive compulsions. When bored - I would love to be struck by the compulsion to be creative - rather than cook up delicious foods, and then consume them. and then stare at the dishes, further stressing myself, which leads to more eating. more dishes. endless cycle. or if I were stressed. lace up my running shoes and go jogging. or bicycle. or jump up & down waving my arms wildly. Another friend once suggested to me that I gather up the negative energy that comes from not reaching my goals. rather than using that energy for more negativity, put it into working toward the goal! simple, right? but how many of us do this? for me, it is a
moment-to-moment struggle. well - nobody said it would be easy! :)

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agh! what a mess to get clean! and did I mention that in spite of the rewards I described, a lot of days it is just miserable to get dressed warmly and haul yourself out of the house, knowing that you're going to be freezing & sweating, lugging wood into the house and then back out into the cold for more.

why bother - you may ask. why not just use some kind of low maintenance heat, like propane? where would be the fun in that? what would be the wondrous joys I could list about say, a propane fired boiler pumping hot water through radiators? It's no bother? I don't have to do anything with it?

No. there cannot be great joy in life without great stress, or toil, or sorrow. Everything in our lives which is worth our enjoyment, is also worth its negative counterparts. Whether it is the work & mess associated with a woodstove, or the various stressors associated with having a child... when a burden seems overwhelming, remind yourself what you're doing it for.

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How is it that the things we love and enjoy so much in our lives can also be things we detest most intensely at times? For example: our woodstove. delightfully warm & cosy. dried out our chilled winter clothes, wet things from the rain, soggy toddler pants, laundry that cannot go in the drier. makes our house pleasantly welcoming when you come in the door. cutting, stacking & hauling in the wood is a refreshing exercise. physically invigorating, emotionally cleansing, repetitive labor is a wonderful thing, especially when done in the fresh, crisp, outdoor air of autumn or winter.

how then, can I hate so much about it? The smoke, so pleasant, homey, comforting - makes a mess in the house, and is terrible for our health. The heat dries the house so much that there are nights when I wake unable to breathe, with no moisture left in my nose, or mouth, or throat. The wood chips, bark, dirt, leaves, ashes that surround the stove and make a path from the woodpile, through the house...

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Family. Family is so very important. Each and every individual's health and happiness affects the rest of us.

I'm not just referring to my blood relatives. I include my husband's family as well. Also included are friends that we have grown to care deeply about.

Along with this sense of family, comes a feeling of obligation. We are all obligated to look out for one another. Emotionally, we should rejoice together, and if someone is fragile or downhearted, then we should rally together to support them and lift them up. Materialistically, it is harder to put your finger on what lengths we are responsible for each other. Certainly, minor children should be provided for, whether by their parents or the entire family as a clan. And we should all try to be generous, if someone is lacking and we have enough.

Like water spilling through the compartments of an ice cube tray until they are all
filled equally - may all of our cups run over with happiness :)

This past May, our dear friends the Canter Burtons (who are actually Autumn Canter, Jason Burton, and River Reed Canter-Burton) were granted the rare and miraculous opportunity to get themselves out of upstate NY. A great job was gotten, nice housing found, and a move of epic proportions was executed to the outskirts of Baltimore, MD. I helped them move, then overstayed my welcome a bit - just couldn't admit to myself that such a rare jewel of a friend would really be 5 hours away.

I've healed some since then. Come to terms with irregular emails, care packages for the boys on their birthdays & Christmas, and the occasional visit. Visits that are strangely silent - so much to say, but none seems important at the moment. I still feel left behind some, envious of their new opportunities, and moving forward with their life plans.

Autumn has discovered just recently that she is pregnant.
Yet another thing she is able to go ahead to do... I am so happy for them, yet so sad for myself.