no readers

So nobody apparrently reads this.  most bloggers would be sad about that.  What!? Nobody reads my stuff?!  Not me. Most of what I post on here I don't really want people reading.  At least not people I know personally, who I have to look in the eye every day.  Mostly I use this as a vent, an outlet for creativity.  Every now and then, usually just a few times a month, this chatty little part of my brain starts thinking up dialouges.  If I don't get them out of my head, they roam around in there and cause all kinds of havoc.  Once I've written them down, I can either move onto new creative thoughts, or move on completely to other things.  Ahhhhh... what a relief! :)

Are you out there reading this?  Do I know you?  Do you know me?  Pop a message up and say hey sometime :)  lol!

little boy :)

Josh & I spent HOURS outside today playing in the snow. Tonight he is sneaking out of his room into mine, slipping into my bed & laying there until I notice him. He tells me can't go to sleep, has things to do outside. When that's not an option, he tells me he's going to sleep in Mommy's bed. When that's not an option, he tells me he's hungry. When that's not an option he needs a drink. When I cart him back to his own bed he cries "pleeeeaaase heeeelp meeee Mommmmmmy, neeeeeed haaanky!" (he has a hankerchief, clutched in his little fist). When I remind him of this, hug him & tell him again to go to sleep, he grins and says "hi Mommy, wake up!"

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so whose job IS it?!?! We're going to need to look at these items and figure something out. Do we both agree they are important? If not, compromise? If yes, how can we make sure being done fairly? division of labor? Make job easier to start? find someone else to do it?

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Not my job ALONE! hauling & stacking firewood. mowing & weed whacking. cleaning litterbox. gathering trash & dump run. ashes & mulch out. dishes. cooking. making the bed. errands. worrying over stuff. car maintenance & repairs. childcare.

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NOT MY JOB! Sweeping/shoveling snow off the roof. Chopping ice dams off the roof. Laying out ice melter socks on the roof. Worrying about what to do with the roof. Planning what to do with the roof. What else is not my job? Maintenance & repairs inside or outside the house - either actually doing it, or worrying. about how it's going to get done. Cleaning the chimney.

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A glimmer of hope? Starting to visualize plans for the future. These plans are independent of Michael, which will help to make them not only more achievable, but more satisfying. First, I am considering applying for leadership of our local LLL chapter. I know I am a strong, empathetic, and intelligent woman, but I have some doubts. Do I have the necessary skills to fully help the women who may need me? I've also been pondering becoming a doula - but the same worry applies. I've enrolled J in Thursday morning library time. Before that, we meet some friends at a coffee shop for breakfast. J enjoys this time with other kids his own age - it is very important for him. I have discovered wifi on main street, and am able to spend the pre-coffee time and also naptime. I can actually get something accomplished! yes!

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Falling to pieces. This is the darkest time of year for me. Illness hits us again and again. Winter's cold and cloudy shadow hangs close above our heads. I stop heeding my therapist's advice, look for excuses not to attend our sessions. Stomache bug. Days of no appetite and stomache pain, accompanied by endless trips to the bathroom. Better now, but still lacking in appetite, and daily have sudden bathroom trips. Draining, physically & emotionally. Sinus & ear infection - drag on & on. 10 days of antibiotics, sudafed & ibuprofen left me feeling better for about a week, now it's back off & on. I weaned Josh from nursing in December. Now, at the end of January, I have a plugged duct. ouch! and no way to relieve it. worrying about other people, or projects to be done/planned... exhausting...

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Falling to pieces. This is the darkest time of year for me. Illness hits us again and again. Winter's cold and cloudy shadow hangs close above our heads. I stop heeding my therapist's advice, look for excuses not to attend our sessions. Stomache bug. Days of no appetite and stomache pain, accompanied by endless trips to the bathroom. Better now, but still lacking in appetite, and daily have sudden bathroom trips. Draining, physically & emotionally. Sinus & ear infection - drag on & on. 10 days of antibiotics, sudafed & ibuprofen left me feeling better for about a week, now it's back off & on. I weaned Josh from nursing in December. Now, at the end of January, I have a plugged duct. ouch! and no way to relieve it. worrying about other people, or projects to be done/planned... exhausting...

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compulsion. when stressed, bored, or otherwise consciously or subconsciously motivated, I eat. compulsively. the fattier, sweeter, less healthy it is, the better. A dear friend cleans. I am envious of her positive energy. Would that I had such constructive compulsions. When bored - I would love to be struck by the compulsion to be creative - rather than cook up delicious foods, and then consume them. and then stare at the dishes, further stressing myself, which leads to more eating. more dishes. endless cycle. or if I were stressed. lace up my running shoes and go jogging. or bicycle. or jump up & down waving my arms wildly. Another friend once suggested to me that I gather up the negative energy that comes from not reaching my goals. rather than using that energy for more negativity, put it into working toward the goal! simple, right? but how many of us do this? for me, it is a
moment-to-moment struggle. well - nobody said it would be easy! :)

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agh! what a mess to get clean! and did I mention that in spite of the rewards I described, a lot of days it is just miserable to get dressed warmly and haul yourself out of the house, knowing that you're going to be freezing & sweating, lugging wood into the house and then back out into the cold for more.

why bother - you may ask. why not just use some kind of low maintenance heat, like propane? where would be the fun in that? what would be the wondrous joys I could list about say, a propane fired boiler pumping hot water through radiators? It's no bother? I don't have to do anything with it?

No. there cannot be great joy in life without great stress, or toil, or sorrow. Everything in our lives which is worth our enjoyment, is also worth its negative counterparts. Whether it is the work & mess associated with a woodstove, or the various stressors associated with having a child... when a burden seems overwhelming, remind yourself what you're doing it for.

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How is it that the things we love and enjoy so much in our lives can also be things we detest most intensely at times? For example: our woodstove. delightfully warm & cosy. dried out our chilled winter clothes, wet things from the rain, soggy toddler pants, laundry that cannot go in the drier. makes our house pleasantly welcoming when you come in the door. cutting, stacking & hauling in the wood is a refreshing exercise. physically invigorating, emotionally cleansing, repetitive labor is a wonderful thing, especially when done in the fresh, crisp, outdoor air of autumn or winter.

how then, can I hate so much about it? The smoke, so pleasant, homey, comforting - makes a mess in the house, and is terrible for our health. The heat dries the house so much that there are nights when I wake unable to breathe, with no moisture left in my nose, or mouth, or throat. The wood chips, bark, dirt, leaves, ashes that surround the stove and make a path from the woodpile, through the house...

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Family. Family is so very important. Each and every individual's health and happiness affects the rest of us.

I'm not just referring to my blood relatives. I include my husband's family as well. Also included are friends that we have grown to care deeply about.

Along with this sense of family, comes a feeling of obligation. We are all obligated to look out for one another. Emotionally, we should rejoice together, and if someone is fragile or downhearted, then we should rally together to support them and lift them up. Materialistically, it is harder to put your finger on what lengths we are responsible for each other. Certainly, minor children should be provided for, whether by their parents or the entire family as a clan. And we should all try to be generous, if someone is lacking and we have enough.

Like water spilling through the compartments of an ice cube tray until they are all
filled equally - may all of our cups run over with happiness :)

This past May, our dear friends the Canter Burtons (who are actually Autumn Canter, Jason Burton, and River Reed Canter-Burton) were granted the rare and miraculous opportunity to get themselves out of upstate NY. A great job was gotten, nice housing found, and a move of epic proportions was executed to the outskirts of Baltimore, MD. I helped them move, then overstayed my welcome a bit - just couldn't admit to myself that such a rare jewel of a friend would really be 5 hours away.

I've healed some since then. Come to terms with irregular emails, care packages for the boys on their birthdays & Christmas, and the occasional visit. Visits that are strangely silent - so much to say, but none seems important at the moment. I still feel left behind some, envious of their new opportunities, and moving forward with their life plans.

Autumn has discovered just recently that she is pregnant.
Yet another thing she is able to go ahead to do... I am so happy for them, yet so sad for myself.